Handling Fear, Frustration, and Disappointment
Have YOU ever done a crappy job of managing yourself and your feelings as you have navigated fear, frustration, and disappointment? This has been a topic I have avoided writing about for a long time because it represents in all of us those moments when we were NOT at our best...when we could have handled things better and we didn't. I have seen it in myself over the years as well as recognizing it in others. When I have seen it spiral out of control in real time, it creates an awkwardness and uncomfortableness for those witnessing it as well as those it is directed at. It is in that moment that the age old saying has been reversed...where the person is "taking no shit" but doing a LOT of harm...not to those it is meant to be directed at....but to themsleves...to their personal brand.
In some really unfortunate cases it is not limited to a single moment or interaction but it plays out over a series of days...weeks or months. Where the fear, frustration and disappointment builds through a chain reaction of events.
Sound familiar at all?
I don't know about you but, when I think back on some of those moments...
There are Three things that they all have in Common
I ignored...didn't own up to...or was not self aware enough to acknowledge the stress or anxiety I was feeling at the time
Even if there was some recognition of my fear, frustration and disappointment, I didn't ask for help, I didn't want help or the help I was being offered felt useless to me....I wasn't open to coaching
I embraced how I was feeling and found it empowering (even if it was misguided) to lash out because I wanted to "take no shit" and thought others would see it as a strength. It would show I was "in the right" and expose the wrong doings or weakness of others.
What Impact Does This Have on our Role as Leaders?
It is a delicate balance. The higher up you go on the corporate ladder there are times when you have to stand your ground, not allow others to walk all over you or your team. It is an art not a science to be able to "Do no Harm but Take no Shit". It's ok to be passionate about a topic and picking your moments to emphasize a point sends a signal to others when you choose your spots strategically. If it becomes the "norm" than it loses it's impact and sends a message of poor behavior to peers, subordinates and superiors.
It can be exhausting for everyone. Working with someone who "goes off" regularly or is not managing their feelings as well as they could be, is exhausting. They may be fired up or think that everyone is "on their side" but they are really alone in a crowd. Everyone around them is walking on pins and needles, avoiding interaction or bracing for the storm that is inevitably coming. No one knows what is going on behind the scenes that the leader is working though in their personal or professional lives - all they see is the results on full display.
It can do irreparable damage to your personal brand. When you are working through fear, frustration and disappointment you lose perspective. YOU think that everyone else should see things YOUR way. The reality is, all others see is YOUR poor behavior which can damage YOUR personal brand instead of it shining a light on what YOU view the company, someone else or a situation did to YOU. As I learned a long time ago from a talk by Herb Cohen who wrote the book Negotiate This!, "YOU gotta care...but not that much"
In Closing...
We spend WAY too much time in our own heads and it is particularly difficult right now. Working from home, juggling our personal and professional lives, facing company changes, economic and political uncertainty, layoffs, pay cuts, staycations not vacations...you get the picture. Everyone has a struggle that no one else knows about and our leaders are not immune...we just hold them to a higher standard and expect them to deal with it better than the rest of us.
While I certainly don't have it all figured out...my best coping mechanisms to survive the days when fear, frustration and disappointment are creeping in is to take a step back and to take some time to "chill out". To allow myself space to throw a pity party in private, grieve, get angry or cry. Then pick myself up and move forward with ideas, actions and conversations that are more productive.
YOU also have to be YOUR own mirror. YOU have to ask yourself, "What do I want to achieve and how do I want to be perceived? If I saw someone else behaving this way would I be proud of them?"
Things aren't always going to go your way. The best you can do is work through them in a less emotional or destructive way that does you...and those around you... no harm.
Leadership Questions of the week for YOU:
Has this happened to YOU recently and can you share how you navigated the situation? What are YOU proud of and what do you think you could have done better?
Can you think of a time recently when you saw this in someone else and how did you coach them or advise them through it?
When we are emotionally charged as leaders, what are the 2-3 things we can do to remind ourselves to do no harm (but take no shit)?
How important is it to enlist others to coach and support us through these times given that our own inclination is to just “take no shit” and be damned on the harm?
How can we be more present or aware of these moments and not let the situation get too far out of hand?
Do YOU think this is harder or different for men than women? Be honest - what are your observations?
Thanks for reading….and remember…YOU make a difference!
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