The Power of Suffering: Transforming Professional and Personal Growth
I am constantly scanning the environment for content that inspires me...that makes me stop dead in my tracks and think about something differently. One that sticks out from a few years ago is from Josh Radnor's Museletter entitled Someone Will Get That. It was a simple...yet effective story which really hit home for me...and still does to this day.
Well... he's done it again... with his latest offering which I was...at first... taken a back by... but the more I read...and re-read it... the more it gave me a lot to reflect on.
Since I am uncertain how to link it - here are several excerpts from his article...Subscribe here for more.
DISCOMFORT IS THE DOORWAY
The most trustworthy people in the world are those who have been to the underworld. Those who’ve been torn open, rearranged, and made new by suffering.
I wish someone had told me when I was a kid that I was going to suffer. Not only that I was going to suffer but that I must suffer. That this was inevitable, non-negotiable, and in fact a requirement for a life well-lived.
What I mean by “suffering” is the tough stuff, the aspects of life we’d rather avoid: pain, discomfort, heartbreak, grief, discontent, impatience, boredom, frustration, anger, fear.
“We just want you to be happy” was an oft-repeated phrase in my house growing up. I know I’m not alone in this. A parent’s wish for their child’s happiness is certainly understandable. But I’ve come to see it as not all that helpful as it elevates “happiness” above other emotions. It declares happiness to be supreme, the most coveted of states. And it trains one to think that when one is not happy something must be terribly wrong.
If a parent has tasted some real darkness or dysfunction in their own childhood—or even seen quite clearly how merciless and unsparing the world can be—it’s only natural for them to want to protect their own children ferociously. I imagine it’s a special kind of heartbreak to let your kid loose in a world that you fear will grind her underfoot.
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I’m not saying happiness is to be avoided. No! When it arrives, my god, please seize upon it and enjoy the hell out of it. But to expect it to stick around forever is naïve at best and dangerous at worst. Happiness is fleeting, inherently unsustainable. As a goal, the “happiness” game is rigged to defeat us. Life is too replete with everything else. Saying you only want one aspect of it is a recipe for suffering.
The good news is that life takes care of all of this for us. No one is spared, no matter how ferociously over-protected and bubble-wrapped or self-deluding they might be.
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The great tragedy of life will not be the difficult, challenging, and terrible things that happen to us (those are inevitable). The great tragedy is emerging on the other side of those things absent more meaning, resolve, inner fortitude, and empathy.
-Josh Radnor
The Link to Corporate America
The light bulb that went off for me as I consumed Josh's words... is that the same goes for our professional lives.
As Leaders... we want our colleagues... our teams... our company to be HAPPY. Any sign of discontent is to be immediately glossed over (listen guys...things aren't really that bad) or addressed with action plans.... actions that the team must come up with to address their own pain and suffering... big or small... all the while trying to cope through the storm.
Same goes for things impacting our colleagues personal lives that spill over to their professional lives. It's not a matter if IF these things will happen... it's WHEN. As Josh says about parenting... the same goes for leadership. We may want to protect everyone from what happens... but it is inevitable that things will get tough. How we recognize that... face up to it... and lead through it is key.
Deep Thoughts on Discomfort
I have seen my fair share of tougher times... personally and professionally. As I always like to clarify... I'm sure mine are small in comparison to most.... but it isn't a contest and no matter what we are all grappling with... it's not to be dismissed... it all takes it's toll in our own ways.
So here are a few reflections from Josh's article
Listen to Understand Not to Respond: Josh's words of “We just want you to be happy” haunts me. I've heard it through the years and I have said it too. Now that I sit with it for a few minutes... it comes across as dismissive and a canned response to avoid really listening and understanding what others are experiencing. To listen with empathy and to truly understand is a gift. It doesn't mean we wallow in it for eternity... but we let it play out so we can understand better how to support each other better from this point on.
Be Comfortable Being Uncomfortable: As a culture... it does seem taboo to be okay talking about difficult things. When you think about it... happiness is a fleeting emotion and we all face uncomfortable topics... situations... pain and heartbreak. My husband and I have tried to instill this with our girls to be at ease talking about difficult topics. It doesn't mean we are good at it... or slip into bad habits of trying to solution when our role is to listen... it just means we keep trying. The same goes for our teams... I want them to be comfortable bringing their whole selves to work. I do my best to validate and thank them for being open. Then to share perspective where I can... and offer support and help. No one relishes the uncomfortable but as Josh points out... "we emerg(e) on the other side of th(e)se things (with) more meaning, resolve, inner fortitude, and empathy."
Lean into ADULTING: Adulting is hard in our personal and professional lives. We have all set ourselves up for endless failure if we think everything and everyday will be sunshine and roses. As Josh say's "’I'm not saying happiness is to be avoided. No! When it arrives, my god, please seize upon it and enjoy the hell out of it." To that end... I have found great calm... and strength from approaching conversations in all aspects of my life as an ADULT... not with childlike naiveté. To me that means not shying away from "the unspoken" and not over reacting to things I am not necessarily prepared to deal with. It also means taking action... supporting and running towards the fire... even on days you would rather not deal with it. That is just part of being an Adult!
In Closing...
My experience has taught me...
The most trustworthy people in the world are those who have been to the underworld. Those who’ve been torn open, rearranged, and made new by suffering. - Josh Radnor
I think for this reason... and many more... that is what draws me to those people in my life that I deem most trustworthy. I rely on them for counsel... support... laughter... shared tears... and inspiration. I try to do the same for them... and others... in return.
Even if we don't talk every day... I know I can contact them at any time and they will listen... be comfortable being uncomfortable and lean into ADULTING. They don't try to be dismissive Cheerleaders and tell me to simply be Happy. That doesn't mean they don't make me feel loved or seen.... it means we are honest about all of life's ups and downs and accept it as part of the journey.
As Josh says..
No one is spared, no matter how ferociously over-protected and bubble-wrapped or self-deluding they might be.
So join me in embracing this as a mission to normalize and embrace ALL the things that get thrown at us. We CAN talk about them and get through them if we just give ourselves a chance! It can make us feel less alone AND able to move forward to what's next. Ignoring the hard stuff and just talking about the good stuff seems foolhardy - don't YOU think?
Leadership Questions of the Week for YOU:
How do you handle discomfort and challenges in your personal and professional life? Do you see them as opportunities for growth?
Have you ever felt that the pursuit of constant happiness has overshadowed other important emotions? How has this affected your well-being?
In what ways do you practice empathetic listening with your colleagues, friends, or family? Can you share an example where this made a difference?
How comfortable are you with discussing difficult topics at work or at home? What strategies do you use to foster open and honest conversations?
Reflecting on your own experiences, how have moments of suffering or discomfort shaped your resilience and empathy? Can you identify a specific instance where this was evident?
Thanks for reading….and remember…YOU make a difference!
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