4 Top Tips On How to Get Out of YOUR Own Head & Turn the Page
In one scene on an episode of Ted Lasso, one of his players makes a mistake that results in a goal for the other team. He beats himself up over it on the pitch, and Lasso calls the player to the sideline to chat with him.
“What’s the happiest animal in the world?” asks Lasso.
The player, puzzled, says he has no idea.
“Goldfish,” Lasso replies. “You know why the goldfish is the happiest animal on earth?”
Again, the player has no clue.
“Got a 10 second memory,” answers Lasso.
Then he says one more thing before sending the player back on the pitch.
“Be a goldfish.”
I don't know about YOU but it has been hard for me over the years to just let go of "stuff" and move on. This can apply to larger moments in my life and career as well as things that happen in the moment. So many thoughts and emotions just get caught up in my brain on a daily basis and they have a tendency to build up like a log jam in a river and sooner or later the damn gives way…it all over flows full force and usually at the most in opportune times. Anyone else...Anyone?
A very dear friend of mine...Carmela Orlando... used to describe her process of letting go as being able to “turn the page”. She has a unique gift to be able to let things go moment to moment and enter in the next moment with a “clean sheet of paper”. I am jealous of this natural ability but what I will say is that over the years I have worked on changing my habits, working through the process and improving every day in my ability to turn the page.
One of the other things that has helped me in this area is a book I read a long time ago by Herb Cohen "Negotiate This! By Caring, But Not T-H-A-T Much". Even though the book focused on negotiating tactics and how emotions can get in the way of "win-win" outcomes the catch phrase is what serves me well each and every day.
The book also talks about asking questions and listening...really listening...to what the concerns or needs of others are. We can sometimes get so wrapped up in what WE see as the solution or what WE need that we lose sight of our ability to reach common ground and a positive outcome for all considered. When we listen to others we learn a perspective that we may not have considered which may take change on our part to acknowledge and further out ability to move forward.
Why is this important in our leadership journey?
Our ability to move forward, turn the page effectively is what defines great leaders and inspires great teams. It is just like professional sports players. The biggest challenges they face are in their heads. Shake off that last bad game, reset, focus, and relax to focus on winning the next one. In golf it can even be in the moment.. don’t let what happened a few minutes ago impact what you are capable of in this new moment...this next shot...the next hole. For us as leaders…it is the same….and just as important.
Let's be honest...as leaders...others cannot appreciate all the pressure filled decisions, situations or challenges we face moment to moment. What others need from us is the calm, confidence that even though we cannot control what happens to us – we can control how we deal with it. Allowing emotion or thoughts to carry over from meeting to meeting, day to day, week to week, is not healthy – but also not constructive.
How to Course Correct
So... if I was being honest with myself...I know I am not "cured" from caring too much...but as a work in progress I can share some of my "go-to" tactics on turning the page...
Make Time to Grieve or Give Yourself Space. Maybe a meeting...a decision...a promotion...or a situation didn't go your way. Maybe you are "killing yourself" to do it all and it feels like things will never change or get better. It's natural to feel hurt or overwhelmed by it all. YOU are in control of yourself and NO ONE ELSE is going to fix it for you. Give yourself the space to cry it out...walk it off...yell and scream...but in a time and space that works for YOU. That could mean cancelling your next meeting to give yourself time to regroup and get a bite to eat...maybe it means taking a day off to breathe. Whatever it is...make time for it.
Schedule Time with Your "Board of Directors". I am fortunate enough to have built up a strong support network of individuals from diverse backgrounds....ages and gender that keep me grounded. Anyone can call a "meeting" and we chat as often as we can. What I LOVE about these people...among other things...is that they humble me and keep me grounded. When we share our stories of victory and losses (personal and professional)... in listening to each other it puts everything into perspective. We give each other tough love and inspire ourselves to brush it off and keep going.
Find Time to Write it Down. I have no doubt YOU have been told before or have read about the benefits of journaling...blogging or just writing things down. My journey to letting things go...turning the page...caring but not t-h-a-t much all started with running 5 miles on the treadmill each week and coming home and writing down my "deep thoughts from the gym". In practicing that discipline...it was like I was a "hoarder" that had no space left in my house and I emptied it all out to find space and peace I never knew I could find. I still revisit...reflect...and appreciate those writings as they are as helpful today as they were when I first "laid them all down".
Assume YOU Are the Problem. This is really hard for me to admit but I don't tolerate "fools" very well. And here is the thing that I have learned through the school of hard knocks... there is no such thing as "fools" only ME being the problem! It's all about how I react to others...how I internalize their responses... how I feel about their approach to things...how I get frustrated when they don't see things my way...or how they take what I am saying out of context versus how I meant it to be. This has taken a lot of reflection on my part and now a days I simply start by genuinely apologizing for my approach and the confusion I may be causing. I also go on to say..."let's assume I am the problem...help me understand how we can move on from here". This has been key to overcoming my protentional emotional response to things... to put situations behind me and enable me to move forward.
In Closing...
In the end I know that trite sayings don't cure cure everything but for me they act as reminders to be better in the moment or when I catch myself hanging on too long to thoughts that should be laid down or well in the rear view mirror.
So here are a few quotes that may help you too:
“Focus on what I’m offering you…not on what I am not offering you”
“You gotta care…but not that much”
“Choose your attitude”
“holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”
"Be a Goldfish"
….in other words…turn the page
Leadership Questions of the Week for YOU:
Why do you think turning the page is so important to us as leaders?
What is your phrase or description for turning the page?
Do you believe you have a natural ability to do it and if not – what tools do you use to enable you to do it?
What was your moment in the last few weeks where you had an opportunity to turn the page and what did you learn from it?
What is YOUR best advice on how to course correct?
Thanks for reading and remember...YOU make a difference!
Please continue the conversation by liking…commenting or sharing this article. You can also follow me on twitter @marciedwhite or LinkedIn
